so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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