if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
