Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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