I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
