I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
