my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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