Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
