i think my tv is drunk
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
