So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
