That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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