We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
