Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
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RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
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When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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