Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
