Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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