Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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