just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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