ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
