I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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