Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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