Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
