it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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