I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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