From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
