So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
