I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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