He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
