I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
