I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
