hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
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