I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
