I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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