I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
