I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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