I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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