I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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