She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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