I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
