1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
