i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
