moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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