My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
