i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You are the jesus of drinking
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
