So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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