Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
