the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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