making cat noises will not fix the situation.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
