it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
