you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
