she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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