proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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