the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
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So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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