I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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