Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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