$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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