just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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